I DON'T HATE ME.

....I'm sorry. 

I've never been a body-hater. I look at myself in the mirror and I’m genuinely grateful for the skin I’m in. I’m a big fan of my butt, my skin rarely does me wrong, and depending on the cut of a shirt, my decollate can be bangin'.  I find it strange to live in a world where I don’t hate my body, but others are surprised on how I can’t hate it because they seemingly do. While I may not actively hate my body, I’ve always been a body-assessor. I assess what’s going on up in this piece quarterly when it's time to transition clothes for the season. 

Yesterday I took out my summer denim shorts. I put them on and forced myself to walk around all day feeling— less than great. That denim was tight on my person and that denim was refusing to let loose and enjoy the summer the way I wanted to. Even then, I asked myself to not hate my body. I just assessed what was going on… 

These shorts fit me last summer. These shorts were purchased on a muggy New York afternoon while I was living on a boat and spending at least 3 days a week in humid Bermuda. These shorts fit me when I was doing 11 shows a week and dragging my butt to an elliptical machine at least 5 times a week because I literally had nothing better to do than exercise. These shorts fit me at one time and that is a fact. Another fact? They don’t fit me at this time. Still, I choose not to hate. Just assess. 

Feeling cramped in my denim situation, I made my way to an Urban Outfitters sale rack. “This will help,” I thought. “Don’t let a dumb piece of fabric dictate how you are going to feel today. Just buy yourself some new fabric that can accommodate who you are right now—And better yet? Have that fabric be a sale price!” And then the inevitable happened—not even a clearance could make new fabric fit either. 

Still…no hate, but the assessing became serious and that’s where I’m at now. 

Let’s start with those shorts. Those shorts don’t fit me anymore. Those shorts are not allowed to stay in my home. Those shorts are not welcome on my person anymore. Why is that? Well, those shorts fit me when I was in a different place in my life. I had a great job performing for packed crowds, I was seeing the world, spending my days on beaches, and had all of my lifestyle needs provided for me. 

My first thought…”WHAT HAS CHANGED?"  So let’s assess… 

I work in a restaurant at night, I write or rehearse all day, I’m performing on my off nights, and frankly, I’m doing my best to financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically stay above water.

BOOM. THERE IT IS. 

My lifestyle has changed therefore my body changes. A + B= my summer shorts don’t fit and that bums me out. 

So now what? Well now I get proactive. Assessing becomes action. Action becomes results. Results mean I continue to love myself the way I always have, but this time? This time I love myself enough to take care of the body I was given—and people in the dressing room next to me at Urban don’t have to hear me mumble as I put pants on, “Oooooo geeze. Well this isn’t great….”